A deeply personal essay published by Die Zeit examines how a series of widely reported sexual abuse and violence cases has transformed one mother’s perception of safety, trust and parenting. Drawing on her own experiences alongside official crime statistics and expert research, the author describes how growing public awareness of abuse committed by people within victims’ social circles has reshaped everyday decisions about her young son’s life.
The essay begins by reflecting on childhood lessons about danger. As a girl, the author recalls being warned about strangers, imagining threats as unknown men lurking in dark places. As an adult, however, she says recent media coverage—including the Jeffrey Epstein case, the Gisèle Pelicot case, allegations involving television presenter Collien Fernandes and revelations about rape networks—has challenged that long-held image.
Rather than seeing danger as coming from strangers, she writes that many perpetrators exploit relationships built on familiarity and trust. According to the author, this realization has fundamentally shaken her confidence in assumptions she previously considered secure.
The essay describes how she repeatedly questions whether her growing distrust reflects reality or whether it has been intensified by sustained media attention. Yet she also points to Germany’s Federal Criminal Police Office (BKA) crime statistics, which show that a significant proportion of suspects in sexual offences come from the victims’ social environment.
Those concerns, she writes, have directly influenced decisions involving her six-year-old son. When he asks to spend the night at a friend’s house, her immediate response is to refuse, despite the two families regularly caring for each other’s children and spending considerable time together. Unable to explain her hesitation openly, she says she initially invents excuses rather than admitting that her confidence in trusting men has been profoundly weakened.
Eventually, the author discusses her concerns with the friend’s mother. She explains that she does not distrust her friend’s husband personally but no longer feels certain about the basis of trust itself, noting that many offenders are fathers, partners, colleagues, teachers or friends rather than strangers.
According to the essay, the conversation exposes another uncomfortable realization. When the other mother asks whether she also distrusts her own child’s father, the author recognizes that she continues to believe familiarity somehow reduces the likelihood of abuse, even though research challenges that assumption.
To illustrate this, Die Zeit cites findings from Germany’s Independent Commission on Child Sexual Abuse, which reports that biological fathers constitute the largest group of offenders in documented cases of abuse within families. When stepfathers and foster fathers are included, nearly half of recorded perpetrators fall into those categories.
The author also acknowledges that applying complete distrust consistently would make ordinary childhood experiences nearly impossible. School trips, overnight kindergarten events, therapy appointments and sports activities all require parents to place trust in other adults.
She recounts efforts to teach her son about body autonomy, personal boundaries and appropriate secrets from an early age. However, she describes a moment when a family friend unexpectedly picked up her son despite the child’s visible discomfort. Although her son had learned to express boundaries, she says his reaction highlighted how difficult it can be for young children to resist adults who hold physical and social authority.
Seeking guidance, the author turns to sociologist Barbara Kavemann, who has researched child sexual abuse since the 1980s and serves on Germany’s Independent Commission on Child Sexual Abuse. Kavemann tells Die Zeit that while parents cannot eliminate every risk, children are capable of recovering from traumatic experiences when they receive appropriate support and care.
According to Kavemann, trust should not be viewed as a standalone safeguard but as one element within a broader child-protection framework. She argues that sexual violence is closely linked to power imbalances between adults and children, while secrecy, social isolation and the reluctance to discuss abuse openly create conditions in which offences can occur.
Rather than relying solely on prohibitions, Kavemann encourages parents to maintain ongoing conversations with children about body boundaries and safety while actively asking schools and childcare providers about their child-protection policies.
The essay concludes by describing a candid discussion between the author and the parents of the child her son hopes to visit overnight. Together, they agree on practical arrangements, including sleeping arrangements and plans should her son wish to return home during the night. The family even offers to have the father stay elsewhere for the evening if doing so would help ease her concerns.
As presented in Die Zeit, the conversation does not eliminate the author’s uncertainty but demonstrates how openness, clear communication and agreed safeguards can coexist with trust. She concludes that protecting children depends not on blanket prohibitions alone, but on combining honest conversations, attentive adults, respect for boundaries and carefully negotiated arrangements that help create a safer environment without preventing children from experiencing everyday life.
