The words exchanged between partners every day can have a significant effect on the quality and stability of a relationship. Yet, as conversations become routine, communication often turns automatic, leaving little room for genuine attention, appreciation or understanding. Four couples therapists interviewed by Die Zeit have identified 17 statements that can help partners navigate disagreements, recognise each other’s emotional needs, strengthen intimacy and repair damaged trust.
One of the most important is a simple acknowledgement: “You were right about what you said earlier.” Admitting that a partner has made a valid point can be difficult, particularly after an emotionally exhausting argument. However, the ability to accept another person’s perspective is an important element of a stable relationship. According to the therapists, the statement helps partners move away from defensiveness and the need to win an argument. It communicates that maintaining the relationship and recognising the other person’s point of view matter more than protecting one’s ego.
Another useful question is: “How can I best support you right now?” Partners frequently offer unsolicited advice when they believe something could be done differently. Although such suggestions may be well-intentioned, they can create additional pressure in an already stressful daily routine or leave the other person feeling that their ability to manage personal responsibilities is being questioned. Asking how support can be provided instead allows partners to identify what is actually needed, whether practical assistance or simply some time and space. The question also avoids imposing expectations on the person receiving support.
Recognising the effort made by a partner is equally important. “I see how much you are doing at the moment” acknowledges the often-unnoticed responsibilities associated with employment, family life and household management. The therapists argue that when these contributions become taken for granted, one partner may gradually feel that their mental and practical workload is invisible. Expressing genuine appreciation can help address that sense of isolation by recognising the other person’s experience rather than offering superficial praise.
Milenia Meyer, a couples therapist in Koblenz, also recommends the invitation: “Tell me more about that.” Everyday conversations frequently take place between other responsibilities, with one partner listening only briefly before returning to the day’s routine. The statement communicates undivided attention and genuine interest in the other person’s experiences. It allows a conversation to develop beyond an exchange of information and gives the speaker an opportunity to feel heard.
Meyer also highlights the importance of recognising forms of intimacy that exist beyond sexual relationships. Telling a partner, “Our conversation felt more intimate than sex”, can acknowledge the closeness created when two people feel sufficiently comfortable to reveal their thoughts and vulnerabilities without fear of criticism or rejection. Such recognition can strengthen the emotional dimension of a relationship. However, Meyer cautions that the statement requires sensitivity, particularly when a couple is experiencing sexual dissatisfaction, as it could otherwise be interpreted as criticism or rejection.
Long-term relationships also require an acceptance that partners will not always share the same preferences or habits. “We are completely different in that respect. But that is okay” can help couples move away from the expectation that every disagreement must be resolved. One partner may place considerable importance on keeping a home orderly, while the other may be comfortable with a degree of disorder. Constantly attempting to eliminate such differences can create unnecessary conflict. Recognising that two people can remain compatible without becoming identical can reduce pressure on both.
A related statement is: “I don’t expect you to give me everything I need all the time.” Tobias Herrmann-Schwarz, a psychologist and couples therapist who runs a practice for relationship therapy and sexual counselling in Berlin, argues that partners can sometimes place excessive expectations on one another. A single person may be expected to provide emotional support, companionship, practical assistance, sexual fulfilment and almost every other form of personal satisfaction. Such expectations can become overwhelming. Recognising the importance of friendships, hobbies and family relationships as additional sources of support can reduce the pressure placed on a partnership. Herrmann-Schwarz says the statement may be particularly reassuring for people with a more anxious attachment style, although its delivery must be warm and sincere rather than suggesting resignation.
“Stay as you are” is another expression of acceptance. It communicates that a partner does not need to be corrected, improved or transformed to remain worthy of love. This does not mean that personal development or mutual growth should be discouraged. Rather, it conveys that affection is not conditional on becoming a different person. The statement can be delivered with humour, but its underlying message must be genuine to have an effect.
When disagreements arise, asking “What should I do differently?” can also open a more constructive conversation. Rather than issuing instructions or demanding change, the question invites a partner to explain what they need and what may be missing from the relationship. Related questions include “What do you feel is missing from me?”, “What have I not understood?” and “What have I done wrong?” The intention is to identify unmet needs and consider how both partners can address them without either having to abandon their individuality.
The therapists also recommend the statement: “We are both right.” Many relationship conflicts develop into arguments over whose feelings or interpretation of a situation is valid. When each partner assumes that only one perspective can be correct, disagreements can become contests in which neither is willing to surrender their position. The therapists distinguish between situations involving genuine wrongdoing or the crossing of personal boundaries and the ordinary differences in personality that occur in most relationships. In many disagreements, the problem is not the existence of different perspectives but the inability to accommodate them.
Christoph Uhl, a couples therapist with his own practice in Berlin, identifies several expressions that help partners maintain emotional security and appreciation. One is: “You are not alone.” During difficult periods, people do not necessarily need solutions, advice or instructions. They may simply need reassurance that their partner is willing to remain present and face the situation together. Uhl argues that the attitude behind the words matters more than their precise formulation.
He also emphasises the importance of saying “Thank you” with deliberate sincerity. This includes acknowledging a meaningful conversation, a partner’s contribution to family life, their involvement in raising children, practical assistance or small everyday gestures. In long relationships, such contributions can become routine and eventually go unrecognised. A conscious expression of gratitude is different from the automatic politeness of an everyday exchange.
Similarly, “You did that really well” provides recognition for efforts that might otherwise pass unnoticed. Uhl notes that positive acknowledgement can help balance criticism within a relationship. He cites the proposition that five positive interactions are needed for every critical one to maintain relationship stability, arguing that partners should be generous with genuine praise.
Another recommended statement is more detailed: “Thank you for opening up to me. I know how much courage that takes. By sharing this with me, I feel very close to you.” It acknowledges the difficulty of being emotionally vulnerable and reassures the partner that personal disclosures are received with appreciation rather than judgement.
Active listening is also central to the therapists’ recommendations. One suggested formulation is: “I can see how important this is to you. Let me briefly summarise what I understand you to be saying – please correct me if I am wrong.” Repeating a partner’s message in one’s own words demonstrates attention while allowing misunderstandings to be identified before they develop into frustration. It shifts communication away from competing interpretations towards a clearer understanding of each other’s concerns.
The final statement addresses relationships in which trust has already been damaged: “I know I have damaged your trust. And I will change that through my actions now, to show you that I can learn from my mistakes.” The therapists stress that promises alone cannot repair the consequences of broken commitments. Trust can return only when words are supported by consistent changes in behaviour, allowing the injured partner gradually to move beyond suspicion and the fear of further disappointment.
