Psychoanalyst Juliet Rosenfeld lifts the veil on one of the most taboo topics in modern relationships: why people cheat. After four years of intensive research, Rosenfeld has emerged with a clear thesis — many people who engage in infidelity have one key factor in common: unresolved childhood trauma.
Rosenfeld, a veteran therapist who recently qualified as a psychoanalyst, argues that affairs are less about sexual impulse and more about psychological avoidance. “Affairs are usually about not thinking, not reflecting, not contemplating — and, above all, avoiding painful reality,” she tells The Times UK’s Laura Pullman in a candid interview.
While the reasons for cheating can range from lust to loneliness, grief, resentment, or even boredom, Rosenfeld is convinced the deeper roots stretch back to childhood. “When we understand someone’s early experience of relationships — how they were loved, related to, or neglected — that explains a lot about who they become later on,” she says.
In her new book, Affairs, Rosenfeld explores five real-life stories from the UK, US, and Canada, gathered through anonymous submissions to literary journals and online forums. The narratives include a psychotherapist who loses her job after sleeping with a client, a man who abandons his wife in hospital after childbirth to meet his mistress, and a woman drawn to her married boss after the death of her daughter.
Despite the juicy details, Rosenfeld isn’t here to glamorize infidelity. Instead, she emphasizes the psychological toll — not only on the individuals involved but on their families, especially children. “One of the best reasons not to have an affair is because of what it does to a child’s faith in trust, reliability, and presence,” she explains. Even decades later, adult patients still express anger over a parent’s betrayal during their youth.
But can any good come from an affair? Rosenfeld concedes that, in rare cases, infidelity may signal an internal shift toward self-preservation. “Sometimes, if you’re in a very depriving relationship, an affair can be a sign of choosing life — of choosing to be loved,” she says. That said, she’s quick to note: having an affair doesn’t make someone more interesting — just human.
For those wondering what makes relationships endure, Rosenfeld offers this insight: “The capacity to sometimes hate your partner — and recover from it — is vital. Not idealising your partner, and being able to weather conflict, puts a couple in good stead for the long term.”
In a time when public funding for couples counselling is shrinking and digital distractions tempt more people into emotional or physical affairs, Rosenfeld’s reflections strike a sobering chord. With British surveys estimating that roughly 20% of adults admit to cheating at some point, The Times UK article serves as a timely reminder that fidelity — or the lack of it — often has less to do with our partners and more to do with the selves we bring into the relationship.
Rosenfeld’s Affairs is both a psychological case study and a mirror held up to society, revealing not only how we love — but how we run from love when it no longer feels safe.
