The following open letter was shared with the media by Anonymous Advocates for Justice to assist in capturing a global terrorist designated by the U.S. Justice Department since 2013. We hope the Justice Department and other U.S. authorities will heed this message and act promptly, demonstrating their commitment to justice and the rule of law. – Editorial Note
To the Esteemed Officials of the US Department of Justice,
We trust this letter finds you firmly entrenched in the noble pursuit of global justice, unburdened by irony or inconsistency. It is with great reverence for your ideals that we pen this missive, humble citizens eager to assist in your gallant efforts to apprehend Muhammad al-Jawlani (a.k.a. Abu Mohammed al-Jolani), a man your own archives describe as a “Specially Designated Global Terrorist.”
Permit us to express our unalloyed admiration for the principles outlined in your announcement: transparency, accountability, and the unflinching pursuit of peace. Yet, as avid students of history and admirers of the great American orators, we must invoke James Madison, who once warned against “tyranny under the guise of law.” One wonders if he foresaw the cognitive gymnastics necessary to reconcile supporting jihadists one day and hunting them the next.
Our tip, dear custodians of justice, is this: Muhammad al-Jawlani resides at an address comfortably proximate to the corridors of power in Damascus, Syria, facilitated by the intelligence apparatuses of nations you may call allies. Turkey and Israel, those paragons of democratic virtue, have allegedly been complicit in arming and sheltering his ilk, ensuring that his operations remain fluid. Your “moderate rebels,” as described with such poetic grace by the mainstream press, appear to have blurred the distinction between allies and enemies.
We write not to merely expose this hypocrisy but to seek clarity. Are we to assume that justice, like beauty, lies in the eye of the beholder? Or is it possible that Orwell’s axiom holds: “Political language is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable”? For when those who chant democracy’s sacred hymns arm those who dismantle it with car bombs and beheadings, the world grows weary of such paradoxes.
You see, there’s something delightfully Kafkaesque about a state that funds groups like Hayat Tahrir al-Sham (HTS) under the guise of geopolitical chess, only to turn around and offer $10 million to bring their leader to justice. Truly, yours is a tale that would humble even the finest absurdist playwrights.
Let us sweeten this pot of contradictions: we propose that upon depositing the reward into our account (to be fully donated to displaced children in Palestine, Lebanon, and Syria, who, incidentally, are frequent collateral in your justice crusades), you consult directly with the IDF. Rumour has it that their intelligence arm could pinpoint al-Jawlani’s precise location faster than you could draft another press release extolling your virtuous war on terror.
Additionally, allow us to expand on how we would allocate this reward. The money will be used to provide healthcare and education for children left homeless by wars perpetuated through arms sales and political opportunism. These funds will rebuild the futures of those in Gaza, Beirut, Aleppo, and beyond – young lives shattered by a system where the profits of Lockheed Martin, Raytheon, and other corporate giants are prioritised over the plights of women, children, and the oppressed.
For added irony, we also note your assertion that al-Jawlani’s year of birth is unknown but somewhere between 1975 and 1979. We are pleased to correct the record: he was born in 1982, a detail that might have surfaced sooner had he not enjoyed tacit sponsorship during his formative years as a “freedom fighter.” How heartwarming to imagine his birthday celebrations funded indirectly by Western arms deals.
Oh, but we digress. The brilliance of your system, dear Department of Justice, lies in its ability to moralise while monetising. Where else can a nation simultaneously claim to liberate and devastate, to combat terror and cultivate it, to outlaw al-Qaeda while outsourcing foreign policy to its affiliates? It is a proof to the ingenuity of your methods that you can arm Israel to rain missiles on Gaza, arm Ukraine in its proxy war, and arm whomever else might serve your corporate interests, all while cloaking yourselves in the rhetoric of peace and democracy.
“The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice,” said Dr Martin Luther King Jr. Alas, one wonders if he would recognise the contours of that arc in today’s international machinations. Might he have marvelled at how “justice” now comes with a cash prize, payable only to those who overlook its ideological contortions?
In closing, let us reiterate our genuine support for your stated aims. Deliver unto us the promised $10 million, and we shall deliver unto you the poetic justice of redistributing it to the innocent victims your global campaigns so frequently disregard. Together, let us redefine what it means to “promote the general Welfare” and “secure the Blessings of Liberty,” albeit with a touch of dark humour.
Yours in unflinching sincerity,
Anonymous Advocates for Justice
P.S. Do let us know if you require assistance drafting the next press release condemning state-sponsored terrorism. We imagine the irony will be exquisite.
In case you missed the notice, we are publishing it here to ensure smooth communication and easy transfer of the reward money.
